Do You Want to Be Well?

Ten years ago, I was meeting with a new therapist, and I was trying to describe my lifelong struggle with depression and suicidal thoughts. I was hesitant to tell them how dark my thoughts were and how worthless I felt. I had tried therapy before which had always made me more broken and hopeless, but I was desperate for relief. 

She listened to me stumbling over my words as I was trying to convey my pain while also trying not to reveal too much. I had been raised in a family and community where pretending you were fine when you weren’t was expected. It was inferred that talking about your mental health to strangers or anyone at all was shameful. I had extreme fear of being diagnosed with a mental illness and prescribed medication.

After several minutes of listening to my awkward chatter she looked at me and asked, 

“Do you want to be well?”

 I was stunned into silence and just blinked at her. At first, I was upset thinking I was talking to yet another therapist who just didn’t understand what I was trying to say. But then I slowly began to  recognize the profoundness of this question.

Did I want to be well? As I reflected on this question, I realized that I had never considered that I had the power to choose to be well. And that if I wanted to be well, would I let fear of what others would think or say stop me? Was I willing to do whatever it took to be well?

This was the beginning of my healing journey. My fears were realized when I was diagnosed with depression and prescribed medication. I learned that depression can be the result of a chemical imbalance in the brain and that it can run in families. I finally understood that rather than viewing a diagnosis and a prescription as representative of something being wrong with me, I could choose to view them as necessary for my healing. For the first time in my adult life, I could function without being controlled by my emotions. I realized that instead of being ashamed, I felt empowered to live my life on my terms.

In my commitment to become well, I began seeing my therapist regularly to dismantle my negative thoughts and core beliefs about myself. I started to read and listen to podcasts about family dysfunction, shame, and the power of self-compassion. I soon realized that I was not broken but rather the product of the brokenness around me. 

So in case no one has asked you or you have never considered these questions before, I ask you:

 Do you want to be well?

What do you need to start your wellness journey? 

What has been holding you back? 

Your journey may not include a diagnosis or medication, but I believe it will start with you committing yourself to whatever it takes to be well.